What your watch says about you

IF you want to give a man a present he’ll enjoy, buy him a nice watch. It’s a sad indictment of society’s addiction to global designer images that these days men can’t happily strut around the place festooned in gold ornaments like Mr. T at Christmas. But we can blow small fortunes on nice watches.

Expensive modern watches are like little sports cars: the more costly and complex the machinery, the more glory reflects on your wallet (wallet is a euphemism, obviously).

Sadly, it’s not a simple market. It’s subtle, complex, and scientifically designed to appeal to every sector of the male demographic from Arnold Schwarzenegger to Woody Allen. And you can tell a lot about a man’s true personality from the watch he wears. Remember, advertising is designed to appeal to the "real" you – the things you buy tell the world who you want to be.

So let’s get in the Christmas spirit and have a good sneer at other people’s jewellery because it’s either bigger and better than yours, or smaller and weaker than yours. This is a game for boys and girls.

Omega Man

Omega Man, bless him, wants to be James Bond. This connection between Bond and his fancy watch has been played up for years. Next time you’re at a posh do, look for a gentleman in an immaculate tux who is wearing a huge diver’s watch with a bright orange bezel. There’s a good chance he’ll be hovering near important people pretending he’s a bodyguard, or even a policeman. But don’t completely write him off as a potential friend. He may be soft in the head, but he must have some cash. It’s a posh do, he’s in a nice tux, and the watch cost about five grand.

Wearers of vintage Omegas, picked up cheap on eBay, are usually mild-mannered types, like up-market train-spotters.

Tag Wearer

Tag Heuer has tied its branding to super-cool Tiger Woods. That middle-aged, 21-stone shouty bloke in the advertising department thinks he’s like Tiger Woods because he’s got a Tag Carrera (around three grand, maybe more). Well he’s not, is he? He’s fat and shouty. There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with fat and shouty, but it’s exactly what Tiger Woods isn’t.

Wearers of vintage Tag Heuers, picked up cheap on eBay, are usually mild-mannered types, like up-market train-spotters.

Breitling

Ah Breitling, the Bentley of gent’s wristwatches. Nothing says “I am the boss. Yah yah! I’m brilliant I am. You, with your rubbish little cheap, crappy watches are no good, but I’m marvellous. Look at the size of those diamonds. Go on, count ‘em. I dare ya!” quite like a Breitling. Rod Stewart is very fond of this brand, and gives them away like peanuts to Arctic Monkeys and the like.

Wearers of vintage Breitlings, picked up cheap on eBay, are usually mild-mannered types, like up-market train-spotters.

Bell & Ross

The Bell & Ross brand is all based on airplane cockpits: watches that look like fuel dials and altimeters and the like. What little lad doesn’t get excited by jet aircraft? Unfortunately, the range starts at around three grand a pop. It’s a very lucky little boy that can enjoy playing at pilots in this price range before he grows out of it.

Wearers of vintage Bell & Ross watches, picked up cheap on eBay, are usually mild-mannered types, like up-market train-spotters.

Watch Out

That’s just a few of the many hilarious wristwatch options out there. Keep an eye on glossy ads for more clues for future fun. Which watch are you buying?